Have you ever been driving down the road and all of a sudden you spot some idiot doing a dangerous and stupid maneuver, like cutting across two lanes in front of you to get into the fast lane then drive slower than you? Unlike the popular belief that idiot drivers are born with such an idiotic flare; in fact, it takes many years of hard work and total dedication to get to a decent level of an idiot driver on the road. If you follow these steps, you too will soon acquire the skills to be all you can be, just like the best of the idiot drivers so what does it take to drive like an idiot?
When trying to drive like an idiot, the most important thing is not to worry about all other traffic on the roads since most people will drive around you or keep their distance. So first of all make sure that all your mirrors are positioned so it’s impossible to see other traffic. To do this you can make the grime on the glass far too thick to look passed. Also it would help if the mirrors were pointed to the floor or off into the sun but with real skill the idiot driver can get all the mirrors to show their reflection for any last minute cosmetic touch-ups that they need to do when driving.
Secondly and probably more importantly is always drive at a speed that feels right to you and let the rest of the road users follow. A good guide for choosing your favorite speed would be either go 20 mph over or under the speed limit. Extra points for driving super slowly in the fast lane or taking two lanes up at a time with your super heavy duty truck because that will show the other road users you mean business.
The driving position is one of the defining traits of any idiot driver. The most advanced position to accomplish is to put one arm over the passenger seat with the other on the roof of the car using your knees to make those vital lane changes or turns. For the busy driver that simply does not have the time to relax when driving there is another hands free opinion that is a simpler but just as advanced position. Hold your phone texting in one hand with the other hand hold a cigarette as well as the steering wheel, extra idiot points are awarded for the use of a manual transmission when striking this position.
The mark of a truly great idiot driver is in the lane change. With a lot of practice you too can master the close call lane change that is the bread and butter of the idiot driver’s arsenal. The main secret to the lane change is always remember if you move they will part and always thank the other car for letting you in with a nice wave because everyone loves a good thank you.
The use of space when driving is important even when being an idiot. Here is the master rule when following another car. If you cannot read every bumper sticker on their car then you need to get closer. If you just follow this one rule when choosing how close to drive behind somebody you will have mastered the art of tail gating somebody. It does not matter that in an event of a crash all damages will be claimed on your insurance or even that the person may be an idiot driver too and turn off the road without indicating but the show of the real idiot is driving by sheer luck alone and not shy away from danger or stupidity.
The miss use of all the lights on the car is the next defining skill that you must master before you can be a true idiot. The most important lesson being never at any point to use the indicators, for they are for the weak hearted and not the skilled idiot. For night driving remember to have the interior lights on so that at any time you can check your mirrors for any stray hairs or see your phone. Your car was build with full beam so use them to help the rest of the road users to become idiot drivers too and make them point the light away from their faces by changing the mirrors since you must do all you can to educate the rest of the road users.
With these simple yet effective tips on becoming an idiot driver you too will be showing off your impressive driving abilities to all other road users in no time at all. As you rack up the traffic violation tickets wear them as badges of honor or display them on the back of your car as trophies to show your idiot prosaic. Remember when people honk and swear it just means they love you too, happy motoring.
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